Today we continue looking at the counsel of the Scriptures as it pertains to relationships, unpacking the words of the Holy Spirit and how we can apply them to our everyday lives so we can build and maintain successful marriages. This is particularly important because human beings tend to operate from specific biases that influence how they make decisions and relate with other people. One of these was termed by psychologists as a cognitive bias, which is a systematic error in thinking that leads the brain to wrongly filter information through personal experiences and preferences. People with such a bias have the tendency of falling into the confirmation bias trap, which is the proclivity of searching for and interpreting information in a way that confirms preconceptions. Such people then always look for things that support what they want to do, or selectively hear from what is being said to pick the support they seek. These people do not seek clarity, they only want confirmation of what they have already decided. We cannot come to God like this, we also cannot approach our community with such biases, because we will then never see the full benefit of godly counsel. This is the same with the way we approach relationships; we should not carry biases with us to the point where we neglect all wisdom and miss any warnings or encouragement the Lord may be sending our way because we have already decided in our heart what we want to do. There is also a status quo bias; where one chooses to settle for what they know even in cases where the alternatives are objectively better – an unwillingness to change and adapt from their experience of yesterday. We cannot carry these weights, church, let us lighten our heart so the Lord is able to guide us.
In the same manner, these are the words of the Lord pertaining to marriage: “Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn’t for everyone. Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked – or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you’re capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it” (Matthew 19:11-12). This is the truth, marriage requires a high level of maturity and emotional aptitude and grace; and it is not everyone who has built enough of this to thrive in that covenant. But today, everyone rushes in without even giving it a second thought, not knowing what they are getting themselves into and not going through the adequate emotional and mental preparation required. Marriage is not a game, it is a massive responsibility, and because we have failed to treat it with the seriousness it deserves, divorce rates even within the church have skyrocketed. The Lord highlights that some people do not even want to marry and never have, and He makes it clear that this is also okay, just as it is okay to desire and have the capacity for marriage. This is because marriage should not be used for personal satisfaction or measurement of fulfilment, it does not cause joy nor cure loneliness, it is not an escape but a compliment to that which is already there.
But single people today spend all their days writing lists to qualify others instead of maximising their single season for self development and improvement. No! You become your own list before you hold another person to standards you yourself cannot meet. If you want a specific quality in a partner, you also must have it to a measure that will be fair to your intended. Don’t think too highly of yourself that you start being unreasonable. Be content in yourself, self improve, and you will be on the perfect road to union. Don’t overly obsess over the need to marry, manipulating every prophetic word or unction from the Holy Spirit to be addressing this one area, no, seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things, marriage included, will be added unto you.
Apostle Paul also addressed this matter, saying, “There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world—how she may please her husband. And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction” (1 Corinthians 7:34-35). He starts by stating that the reality of marriage is that one’s attention will be divided because they now have a responsibility to their family that they cannot relegate to anyone or anything else. Their service to the Lord will have to be fairly balanced with their family life, and they may not be able to do certain things that they were previously able to do when they were still single. However, be that as it may, there is no credit in being single if one cannot govern their sensual senses because they will then likely fall into sin and should then be rather married, which is not a sin in the eyes of the Lord. He does make it known that people would be better off single, saying, “But she is happier if she remains as she is, according to my judgement—and I think I also have the Spirit of God” (v.40), while putting no restrictions on marriage, so believers are safe to choose whatever option they are capable of living out faithfully for the rest of their lives – “So then he who gives her in marriage does well, but he who does not give her in marriage does better” (v.38).
Understanding these hard practicalities about marriage then make it easy to understand why godly counsel should be an important element of one’s decision making. From the Scriptures we know that, “where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counsellors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14). The term ‘multitude’ also makes it clear that it is not one specific person who should counsel you, but a good combination of brethren, who will then reveal the manifold wisdom of God to you. The godly people around you know you, and carry the Holy Spirit, and will really be able to give you sound advice that will save your life. Some mistakes are not needful to make, you could avoid all of that just by having an ear to listen! Appreciate that your marital partner has the ability to alter your destiny forever, there are too many cases of people who were on fire for God who suddenly became cold after marriage, this should not be so! Allow God to use the people around you to secure your life, especially when making decisions of such magnitude.
Prayer
Lord, we thank You for Your Word which is wisdom unto us. The Word is for our benefit, even as it relates to marriage. We choose to take the Word in its entirety, so that we are balanced in our dealings, and will be found lacking nothing. We pray for all marriages in our church family and individual spaces, both existing and still coming, may they be fashioned according to Your pattern. May the Holy Spirit work in all individuals to express the character of Christ through the union, and may purpose be fulfilled! In Jesus’ name, amen
