Today we begin a series on all things love and relationships, aiming at equipping those in different seasons of their lives with the right tools for navigation, ensuring that God’s wisdom is applied even in this pertinent area of life. The truth is, when making the decision of who to spend the rest of our lives with, there are clear indicators that can either speak for or against anyone we are considering; and we will look into such “red flags” that should simplify the decision making process for us – remember the words of King Solomon, “A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself; The simple pass on and are punished” (Proverbs 27:12).
To start us off; the first red flag from any person of the opposite sex that we are considering is if such a person is not actively and passionately pursuing Jesus – yes, if this person has no interest in letting their love for the Lord speak through undeniable actions of pursuit, you have no business being in relationship with them. How can you expect that someone who puts no effort in One they claim to love and value above all, will suddenly turn around to love and value you in a manner that is satisfactory? If they cannot do it for Jesus, who died for them and loves them beyond measure, they cannot do it for you! Do not fool yourself, you can always tell when someone has an active and growing relationship with the Lord; it is all over their habits, what they talk about, how they spend their time and money – it is all over them. Someone does not have to make a compelling case for the love for Jesus without the evidence speaking for itself. Scripture cannot be broken, “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14). This is the first and foremost test, it does not matter what else they get right; whether they are apparently kind, humble, financially stable – if they do not prioritise Jesus, they do not qualify! Additionally, refrain from entering relationships with recent converts who have no record of discipleship and faithfulness, or even floating yet confessing Christians who are not plugged into any system they can be traced back to. Such people are hard to govern, they have no voice of authority or counsel over them, and as a result, are hard to constrain and hold accountable. If they have not yet fully given their hearts over to the Lord and His systems, do not open the door to yours for them! Church, this cannot be stressed hard enough, dating unbelievers is detrimental to your spiritual health! Consider King Solomon, the ‘wisest’ man alive, son to King David, who walked so closely with the Lord all the days of his life. It is said of him, “And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines; and his wives turned away his heart. For it was so, when Solomon was old, that his wives turned his heart after other gods; and his heart was not loyal to the Lord his God, as was the heart of his father David” (1 Kings 11:3-4) – bad company corrupts good character, it does not matter how strong you think you are, it will all catch up with you.
So yes, it is a red flag if this person not only does not have a relationship with God but also takes you away from God. Any person around you who does not inspire you to pursue God more, is a regret waiting to happen. The people closest to you should challenge you for more, ignite a fire and love in your heart for the Lord, instead of dimming your zeal and pouring water over your altar. Do not be compromising on this fact, you would rather adopt the mechanical approach where you do not enter the assessment with any attached feelings and aim to pass judgement scientifically. While it may look like you are missing out on burning passion, there is no real benefit in awakening love before it’s time: “Young women of Jerusalem, I charge you: do not stir up or awaken love until the appropriate time” (SOS 8:4). So do not allow yourself to be intoxicated by love before you are married, this takes away your reasoning and sets you up to settle for less than you should.
The third red flag to look out for is if multiple people in your trusted community of believers do not approve of your partner. When you are part of a healthy community, simply loving the person is not enough to support a relationship; you have to take into the account the counsel of those who genuinely love you and wish nothing but the best for you; especially when they are not as emotionally invested into the prospect of the relationship as you and when they are in a position to see things clearer. Your community becomes your control, if for any reason you have missed something, someone else will catch it and you will be better off for it: “Where there is no counsel, the people fall; But in the multitude of counsellors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14). So do not overly market your prospective partner in order to sway the judgement of others to what you have predetermined, let the record speak for itself. Consider soberly how this person handles conflict, do they have a healthy communication muscle, or do they resort to the two extremes, bullying or remaining silent and harboring resentment. These are all factors that will greatly influence the quality of your relationship, you are wiser considering them now before it is too late.
The fourth red flag is when you find yourself unable to trust the prospective partner. If you find that you are unable to trust them, because they have no solid record that has earned this trust, then break it off while it is still early. You pick up patterns of lying and questionable behavior – do not ignore those signals! But as a caution, it is also important to ensure that these trust issues are not a result of our own insecurity issues. We do not go into relationships to be made whole or even healed from past traumas; all that should be dealt with personally in the word of God – it is not our partner’s responsibility to heal past wounds. So all things considered, also ensure that you are reasonable and not overly suspicious and deliberately distrusting. These are just some of the red flags that could help us make the decision of who we will spend the rest of our life with.
Prayer
Lord, I thank You for loving me and being the source of my joy. Thank You for the wisdom of Your Word as it relates to relationships, and for guiding me in my decision-making. I choose to depend on You as I carry out my purpose! I am fulfilled through my relationship with You! In Jesus’ name, Amen!
