Closing off our series on the workings of romantic relationships as has been designed by the Lord, today we consider how married persons can become both biblical husbands and wives, as seen in the Scriptures. You see, marriage is from God, it was created by Him and only He has the manual that can make the institution successful. Jesus told the Pharisees, “So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:6) – making it clear that it is God who brings people together, and that there is no real ‘marriage’ outside of His jurisdiction. Now to the married couples, apostle Paul began his exhortation to the men, writing to Titus, “that the older men be sober, reverent, temperate, sound in faith, in love, in patience…” (Titius 2: 1-2) – firstly emphasising that married men ought to have a seasoned ability to harness their emotions, behaving soberly and not driven by wild and fleeting emotions, that they should be strong and steady in faith, love and patience. These men ought to lead their homes in unconditional love and all long-suffering, being able to withstand offence and being able to manage all rising interpersonal issues with a clear head. He continued, “exhort the young men to be sober-minded, in all things showing yourself to be a pattern of good works; in doctrine showing integrity, reverence, incorruptibility, sound speech that cannot be condemned, that one who is an opponent may be ashamed, having nothing evil to say of you” (v. 6-8); giving importance to the need for a man to walk in unbreakable integrity, with a trail of good works speaking for him. Careless living of being everywhere, anyhow, with anyone at any time does not make for a good husband, because the lack of strong governance opens the door to the wiles and schemes of the evil one. As a husband, be governable and on a strong leash. He later repeated the same sentiments of the importance of love when he wrote to the church in Ephesus, saying, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her… ” (Ephesians 5:25). He had to make this instruction clear because it does not come naturally for men to lay their lives down, dying to their own desires and putting someone else before them, but here – he gives a strong caution to the married men in the church; that as Christ loved and gave His life for the church in spite of our actions towards Him, so should they for their wives.
Knowing this, that men have a natural tendency to be selfish and tend to only themselves, apostle Paul made clear the responsibilities a husband has towards his wife, stating that it is up to them to “… sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish” (Ephesians 5:26-27). Yes! A husband has the responsibility to minister the Word of God to his wife, leading and teaching the entire family in the ways of the Lord. The apostle continued, “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones” (v. 28-30). This is by the Spirit, that husbands not see their wives as a person separate from them, but that they accept them as members of their own body, and in so doing, establish the covenant of oneness and prepare the foundation for selflessness and mutual honour in the marriage. Apostle Peter added his own admonition to the husbands, consistent with this, saying, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honour to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:1-2). The apostle cautioned husbands to deal circumspectly with their wives, understanding their nature and sensitivity with respect and not contempt, appreciating that these same women were equal heirs to grace with them; because poor regard in this manner had the ability to hinder the man’s prayers to God, no matter how vigorous.
Now, to the wives, the Spirit of God also gave hard instructions. In the letter to Titus, apostle Paul strongly cautioned, “the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behaviour, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things…” (Titus 2:3). Yes this is fitting, women are to govern their own behaviours and not be led to slander by their emotions, where they speculate and conjure all kinds of accusations against their significant others without real cause. They ought not to be drunkards, but be teachers of good things to those who come after them. These good things were listed by the apostle, who continued, “that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed” (v.4-5). Women, and young women specifically, ought to accept that they do not know everything and that there is much they have to learn. Many such things include how to love one’s husband, children, holding discretion, building and sustaining a home, and being obedient to one’s husband. Some of these do not come naturally, and will need to be learned from those who have gone ahead and done well; but if one is too proud and all-knowing to listen to others, marriages will invertedly be frustrated. It is also important to note the order of importance stipulated by the apostle here, started first with love for the husband, then love for children; but our society today has it twisted around – pushing that spouses ought to love their children before their partner, forgetting that without the said partner, there would be no children to begin with. The world in its foolishness does not acknowledge that there is no real way to love your children without loving your partner, because the children will eventually suffer the consequences of the broken home you are creating, leaving them resentful.
He tells the wives, “… submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord, for the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body” (Ephesians 5:22-23). The issue of submission is not an option, the Scriptures did not qualify the kind of husband or give any kind of condition – women ought to submit to their husbands within the parameters of the Word, period! No excuse suffices, this is your instruction in Christ Jesus, who established the government. If you are happy to accept that Jesus is your savior and healer, then you should be as glad to accept His instruction to submit fully to your own husband – not to the entire male gender – but to your own husband! Apostle Peter also gave the same instruction (1 Peter 3:1-2), and went on to add, “Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God” (v.3-4). He knew that women placed high value in how they looked, and could easily over-emphasize this over the dressing of the true hidden man, their heart. God is more interested in the beauty of the heart, that we are clothed and appareled with love, kindness, patience – than draping earrings and layers of makeup. So women are cautioned to beautify their characters more than they do their outward appearance, because it is that very character that will build and sustain a godly home.
To all parties, it is cautioned, “… all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous; not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing. For “He who would love life And see good days, Let him refrain his tongue from evil, And his lips from speaking deceit.” (1 Peter 3:8-10). For marriage to work, both parties have to be committed to being the best version of themselves, continuously pursuing peace through compassion and patience, and refraining from careless speech that does not build. Pursue peace relentlessly, always aiming to reconcile in a manner that will weather all storms. This is the counsel of the Lord.
Prayer
Father, we thank You for this wonderful institution of marriage. In the name of Jesus, we agree with Your word that it is good and treasured in Your sight, all current and coming marriages in this house are blessed, they are fruitful, and they will attain destiny! Peace, unity and singleness of purpose is our portion, and Your name will be glorified! In the name of Jesus, amen!
